How do you cope when everything but the world is on your shoulders! It's been a week since I found out a dear friend had died yet the world has carried on spinning!

I always wonder where my life is, who I am and who I could be. But now looking back I realise that's all I've ever done wondered. I haven't lived the life I wanted I haven't got even close. I see all the people that I saw as my family living their lives and living their happily ever afters and I'm just not. And it's not because I haven't had the chance which I have it's because I'm afraid and I'm so tired of being afraid. I'm unhappy with my job, with my life and I've never tried to change it

Happy...

People think they know me, but i always wonder if any of them truly do.

for the first time since Ive started 'blogging' i am in a happy relationship.

its a little alien to me but for 3 months i have been with a guy who truly makes me happy.
this guy, knows me in away that scares me.

i was at his house we were cuddled up on the bed, watching a film and they way we were positioned he was unable to see my face. he asked me what was on my mind, i said nothing i was fine, (although i did have something on my mind i didn't want to go into it because this guy is amazing but he worries and cares to much) and he said yes there is don't tell me its this this and this,everything that was on my mind.

i was slightly put off and asked how he knew he said i just know i can tell by your voice and the way your being quiet.
this unhinged me

this guy that has been fully in my life for about 5 months knows me better that my best friend
or maybe even my family at times

but he knows me truly and that scares me.

for the last 3 years i have been very closed off.
i have hidden myself away and kept myself to myself
this guy getting so close that he knows this kind of stuff so quickly is new, and weird and surprising to me ....

Broken

Dear Diary...

its funny how you can be comfortable talking about your problems with complete strangers but you find it hard to tell the people that your closest to.
I'm just feeling so broken. its almost like I'm depressed but i don't think i am.
i feel like i am falling off my path and the path that i have fallen on to is really bumpy
its hard
i mean I'm nearly finished with college and i have so many futures facing me and choosing the right one isn't easy i mean do i want to go into education in to university in to full time work or do i want to take a gap year and maybe travel a little bit!
i am feeling lost
there is so much weight on my shoulders and i ma struggling to keep upright
its hard
there is so much expectation put onto me.
i am really losing my way
i have been ill recently
and i have fallen so behind on the coursework
and i have like three weeks left
and i just feel like i am on my own
feel like there is no one around to help me
and yet i am expected to help everybody else out
like helping take care of things for other people so as they don't have to worry
i am like a natural born worrier and i would rather have to worry about everything so as nobody else has to worry
but just once i wish that someone else would take everything off my shoulders so as they can try and understand how i feel
when will anybody try to protect me??

so as i said broken slightly depressed ??

it really is funny how i can explain all this to complete nothing but i cant explain it to anybody else?